Awhile back, Dan invented something he likes to call the “Retrospective Oscar.” In theory it’s an Oscar for performances and movies that have been overlooked. The RO would—years later—fix the awful faux pas of inadequate Academy recognition. Usually though Dan bequeaths questionable (oft-terrible) movies with an RO. See: Tommy Boy, Die Hard, and Monkey Bone (JK on the last one Dan!).

I like the idea of the RO to honor things that were overlooked because they didn’t quite fit into the conventional categories. So in honor of the recent ceremony, I present to you my first nomination for a Retrospective Oscar: Eastern Promises (director: David Cronenberg) for Best Choreography. Because, holy shit, there is an entire fight scene in a Russian bath house where Viggo Mortensen is stark naked, and you never once get a good look at his junk! That is masterful. Any other nominations?

On a side note, I was going to link to a clip of the fight scene (which, by the way, is extremely gruesome, to the point where you almost forget that Viggo is naked at all), but I instead found this amazingly inappropriate fan video about the nonexistent romance between Viggo and Naomi Watts. Seriously, why did some girl think it was a good idea to make a romantic video about an extremely violent movie? She even inexplicably includes clips of the fight—with Hoobastank’s “The Reason” playing in the background. Naturally. This ranks very high on my list of best fan videos ever (best = most ridiculous); it’s right up there with “Daniel Radcliffe is TOXIC!” Another side note: there are several videos called Daniel Radcliffe is toxic…

An embarrassing retraction: Thor isn’t the comic book character that underwent a sex change during its series (as I wrongfully assumed in a previous post), but rather Thor’s enemy, Loki [see: the creep in the above picture]. I can only cringe when I think of how the comic-book constituency of this blog must have mocked me. POP Effect regrets the error.

I’ve decided to live blog the Oscars*. I want to keep thorough notes detailing when Hugh Jackman is awesome, as well as when he’s totally great. But since I’ll be away from my computer, I’ll just write blog posts on paper while I watch, then scan the pages. I figure it’s essentially the same thing. So after you watch the ceremony, come to POP effect for an analysis of Jackman’s presumably brilliant performance. If there is chest-baring or allusions to him being an Australian cowboy/mutant with knives between his knuckles, my posts will just be a series of exclammation points.

*Not really.

Awhile back, I went to visit Ryan at the Conde Nast offices. I was required to have my picture taken for the guest pass—you know, for safety purposes. If I actually did something wrong, I like to imagine the conversation between two security guards would go down like this:

Guard One: OK, the culprit is a female, mid 20s.
Guard Two: What does she look like?
Guard One: Difficult to say… I think she’s white.
Guard Two: OK.
Guard One: But honestly, let’s not rule out the possibility that she’s Hispanic. Or an albino who darkens her hair somehow. Now, she does appear to have hair, so that rules out a few people.
Guard Two: Eyes? Nose? Lips?
Guard One: It’s likely she has those, yes.

Let me begin by saying that opening a wine bottle by using a screwdriver to push the cork in (instead of pulling it out) is not a good idea. But it will work.

The other night, Beth and I were set on opening a bottle of Cabernet to drink with dinner, but when we went to open it, we remembered that we broke the corkscrew the night before. It was the most horrific epiphany ever. But with the wondrous knowledge the internet has to offer, we were able to find a few solutions to our corkscrew problem:

First method: use a screw driver to insert a screw into the cork, then use the back of a hammer to eke the cork out.
Problem: we didn’t have a screw. And a nail didn’t sufficiently grab onto the cork.

Second method: somehow push the cork into the bottle (which doesn’t necessitate piercing it).
Problem: the only item sturdy enough to accomplish this was our screwdriver. I managed to push the cork in, but wine splashed out.
Not a problem: the table cloth happened to be the exact color of the red wine.
Oh wait, problem again: the screwdriver attachment/head fell off and into the bottle, firmly secured in the cork.

So in the end, we drank a bottle of red with our steak and warm chickpea salad. But, we dirtied a table cloth, bent several nails, and broke a perfectly good screwdriver. So depending on how badly you need to get crunked, it may not be worth the trouble. (That’s a trick though; readers of this blog always need to be crunked.)

And now a message from DAN KOHLER, in which he explains the tenets of Yacht Punk. This is an initial exploration of the style and attitude, so more specifications may come with time.

MANIFEST-O — Let it be known that the following document marks the beginning of a MOVEMENT.

Item 1: the YACHT PUNK

The YACHT PUNK (heretofore denoted by the letter Y) is more than a person.  It is an ethos.

* the Y is all class
* the Y is subversive
* the Y wears his/her clothing in the classic cuts defined by (but not limited to) Ralph Lauren and Lacoste, and flaunts his/her individuality through the incorporation of non-traditional colours and trimmings

-the Y wears green suede boating shoes

* the Y owns more navy blazers than sweatshirts
* the Y is at home in clubs, be they “country” or “dance”
* the Y likes to cause trouble, so long as no one is hurt
* the Y is well traveled, knowing by heart the following cities: Paris, London, New York and Downtown Tokyo
* the Y hangs vintage maps on his/her walls, of places both familiar and exotic

-the Y does not distinguish for guests which locales are familiar to the Y and which are exotic

* the Y can be messy at times, but never dirty
* the Y reads over-sized magazines, many of which are difficult to find
* the Y judges, but does not vocalize
* the Y has seen more of the world than the United States
* the Y likes traditional American snack foods (nachos, pizza, chips, cookies) made with artisanal ingredients
* the Y enjoys a quiet filthy joke made in private at a classy event such as a ball or gala
* the Y is proud to have attended public school (rarely bringing up in conversation the numerous A.P. and college level classes taken during said public school career)
* the Y likes drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic alike) and is often aware of new bottled juices and waters before the masses
* the Y does not wear sports-wear outside of the gym

-the Y belongs to a local gym, not one of these fitness chains

* the Y enjoys the weather, so long as it does not interfere with the Y’s plans
* the Y picks his/her pumpkins at a farm, not a store
* the Y does not claim to like all types of music just to appear amiable

-the Y prefers music from Scandinavia

* the Y is good at packing
* the Y is a member of many fictitious bands
* the Y does not enjoy video games made after 1996
* the Y used to play chess
* the Y likes facial hair, but not too much
* the Y is best-represented in celeb culture by EZRA KOENIG of VAMPIRE WEEKEND (see: above photo)

IF YOU ARE A Y KNOW THIS:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE

WE ARE EVERYWHERE
WE JUST DON’T FLAUNT OUR PRESENCE

Y FOR LIFE

This is the sole worthy picture I took at Comic Con. Note the lack of crazies in costume. I was disappointed. There was a man who resembled Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons though, so that contented me. I guess all the attention given now to comic-based movies is sort of mainstreaming the Comic Con audience; I had no reason to be there other than for the movies.

This is just a snap of the crowd awaiting a panel discussion about Marvel comics. I don’t know why I was there. Dan said there might be noteworthy information that I could pitch to another magazine. This might have been the panel where I was expecting to hear if Thor—the transgender superhero—was going to be played by a man or a woman in the movie adaptation. Sadly that was not revealed. Dan led me astray! Astray I tell you! I did get to talk to the cutest nerd ever though (guy closest to the camera), who twittered the whole event with his left hand and held a recorder in his right hand. These people may be mainstream now, but they are serious.

Dan is known for taking the worst possible pictures of people. Mainly because he’s too preoccupied with being quirky and different. But these turned out OK maybe! I’m not saying I’d hire him to photograph my wedding, but if I were going to post used clothes on eBay, I’d totally let him take the pictures.

Dan gave me coaching for the bottom two. The first was me looking at something that went by me very quickly, and the second was me reacting to a chocolate bar that fell from my hands. This is good stuff. Note the discarded Chuck on the bottom left, as I took my new boat shoes for a spin.

Oh, hello. I got new shoes. They are bright green suede, as you can see. Also, they are boat shoes. Can you imagine?? Green suede boat shoes. I suspect however that they are completely useless on a boat because water is not friendly to suede. But really, why are boat shoes meant for boats anyway? They slide easily on wet surfaces.

Dan was with me when I bought these. He said they are so me because they are “yacht punk.” I agreed and said, I will start a new movement. He said, you are the movement.

Someone in the Popular Photography photo lab was kind enough to let me use a Nikon SLR camera this weekend (maybe a D90?), and since I didn’t come across nearly as many weirdos in costume at Comic Con as I had hoped, I convinced Dan to ham it up in Washington Square Park so I could mess around with it. As you can tell, it was really hard to get him to loosen up.

I think the pictures turned out pretty nice, considering I didn’t really know what I was doing. The triptych below is a thumbnail by the way; you can click on it to make it bigger.